Friendship is held to be the severest test of character. It is easy, we think, to be loyal to a family and clan, whose blood is in your own veins. ~ Charles Alexander Eastman

For a while, she worked for me and we became friendly with one another. At that time (many years ago) we both smoked out on the porch of the office where we worked. I’ll call this woman “Cheryl.” (I am now a long-time non-smoker.)

We both left the company after we’d been working together for about a year and a half (I was just a change management consultant there). We both said we’d remain in touch. We had lunch a couple of times, then we both got busy at our new ventures. But after about a year, I heard from Cheryl again. She was in trouble and needed some help in finding a new position, which I gladly did with her.

By this time, I was in the process of going through a divorce. One thing I found out when I was going through a divorce is just how few true friends really exist out there. As I had helped Cheryl through one divorce and two messy break-ups, I thought the favor of a listening ear might be returned. But Cheryl was far too busy to spend any time. We lost touch again.

Then a pattern, which I finally broke, developed. When Cheryl was in trouble, I’d get a call. I’d help her, then she’d vanish from the face of the Earth so far as I was concerned. I might add here that I was not attracted to Cheryl, and did not ever try to “hit” on her, so that wasn’t the issue. The issue was simple: Cheryl was a taker, and I was being used.

Fast forward a few years. I met and became friends with a Presbyterian minister. He, also, went through some hard times in the time of our friendship. I was pretty OK in my life for most of the life of the friendship, even prospering quite well, marrying my wonderful wife and building a great business. Then a potential tragedy hit. I had a very unusual lab result come back from the doctor’s office. For some weeks there was a thought that I might have a rare form of cancer. Fortunately, this was not the case. But during that time, I turned to Larry…and did not even have my calls returned. I thought this was very odd for a minister, but heard this same thing from other people in Larry’s life. He was a taker. I had been useful, but then I wasn’t useful anymore.

Fast forward another few years. I took on a client who had graduated from Regis Jesuit High, as I had. Being an alumnus of the same, close-knit school, I bent over backwards to assist him in his job search, pulling out all stops and referring him to people I usually wouldn’t refer anyone to in my inner circle. I asked him some months later for a very minor favor….to simply make a simple comment on a LinkedIn discussion thread to defend me. He refused. He, too, was a taker.

Finally, there is a couple who owns a business that I have advised, as a friend, for over 10 years to help them grow it. We are changing our practice to move it into more Spiritual counseling and coaching. To that end, we are running classes that are brand new for us, and looking into different demographics. These two run a business that is connecting people to people, so I asked for a bit of help. They simply referred me to a paid PR consultant. Again, takers. (On this one I should have known better because the man in this couple is a well-known taker. My bad.)

There are basically two kinds of people in the world. There are the users or takers and the givers.

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Be courteous to all, but intimate with few, and let those few be well tried before you give them your confidence. ~ George Washington.

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Before you call someone “friend” it is important to know which one they are, and stay far away from the takers. The takers/users will use you up, then discard you, especially if you ever are in need of anything. Here are some ways to know the takers/users when you see them.

1). It’s all about them. Whenever you’re together, is the conversation only about them and what they want and need? Are you always listening to their problems and providing solutions? Every relationship goes through a time of uneven giving and receiving. But if someone is always talking about their issues and never about yours, you’re looking at a taker.

2). Do they rush you or get bored when you start to talk about you? You’ve heard about the guy who was out on a date with a nice woman and had been talking about himself all night. Finally, he said, “Well enough about me, let’s talk about you. How do you feel about me?”

If someone always “has to go,” is “late,” or just gets a glassy look in their eyes when it’s your turn to talk (after you’ve listened to them for a time), you’ve got a narcissistic taker. You’re just being used.

3). They give you the gifts they’d want rather than what you want…if they gift you at all. I’ve heard countless tales of husbands and wives “giving” each other the “gift” that they, themselves, want, rather than something that is of interest to the recipient. If your husband loves your cooking, but you’re a bit tired of cooking, a good gift would be a night out. If, instead, he gives you a bright, shiny new frying pan….you’ve got a taker. My wife actually gave me a commercial grade frying pan for Christmas one year for one and only one reason. I’d asked her for it, as I love to cook.

4). Your calls are not returned, but they expect an immediate return of theirs. My wife had a “friend” one time who got very upset if Nicole didn’t call her back within a couple of hours, but would often blow off Nicole’s calls. Friends return each other’s calls promptly unless prevented by some very good reason. If you call and call and don’t get return calls….get out. You’ve got a taker.

5). You are always paying or otherwise giving. There are friendships with uneven incomes. I don’t mind paying in that situation if I’m the wealthier one…not at all. But if I take someone out to a nice dinner, reciprocation of a home-cooked meal would be nice. If we invite a non-cooking couple over to our house for one of our gourmet meals, we understand if they don’t want to cook back. But a dinner out would be appropriate and so on. In friendships, there is reciprocation. In using relationships, there is using and taking. You don’t need users and takers in your life.

6). They’re AWOL when you have a crisis. If a friend of mine is having a crisis, I will drop everything droppable and be there, in person if possible. Nicole and I will (and have) helped any way we can, from providing a temporary place to crash, to giving money, to advice and counsel, to cooking a nice dinner to babysitting. This is what friends do.

If your “friend” is too busy with his or her life to drop some of it and be there for a crisis, you don’t have a friend. You have a taker.

7). They suddenly pick a fight when you need them. This is a hallmark of takers. When the chips are down and you need them, they’ll get into a fight with you and use that as an excuse to not be there. If this happens, get outta there. You don’t need ‘em!

8). They get uncomfortable and disappear in divorce, illness, etc. A good and very loving friend of mine got cancer, which, thankfully, is fully taken care of. Many of his friends vanished. I met him toward the end of his recovery, and was there, as a new friend, as much as I could be.

Then, last December, I wound up in the E.R. just before the practice I run with my wife was having a major event. T. and his wife, P., came over at once to the E.R., and sat with me while Nicole took care of the event. Then T. drove me home and made sure I was all right until Nicole got there. He didn’t forget and actually went beyond what I was able to do at the time of his illness. But, I expected that from him and his wife. They are, after all, fellow Star Trek junkies.

9). They speak badly of you behind your back. A friend defends you in thick and thin. Even if your friend does not always agree with you, he or she will defend you and have your back. Someone who does not do this is no friend.

Friendship, especially for those who share the Spiritual Walk, is not only wonderful, but it is vital. We are built to care about one another this way. Those of us on the Spiritual Path often are so used to giving and giving that we forget to receive, as well. That puts a big old hairy “SUCKER” sign on our foreheads. I’ve heard some argue that this is OK, but I don’t agree with them.

When we allow others to simply use us, we do not do them any favors. We are enabling their selfishness and entitlement. By not calling them on this, we are preventing them from growing. We are telling them that being selfish, narcissistic and entitled is just fine. It isn’t. As a friend, we owe it to them to set boundaries and expect reciprocation. Users don’t ever hang on to friends very long, and can go through spouses and others in their lives like water.

It also is bad for you, as a Spiritual Person. When you devalue yourself, you lose power that can be used to help others. You also introduce an imbalance in the Universe which is unhealthy for all. Do not just give and give and give to those with the capability of giving back until they have given a bit too. It isn’t good for them. They’ll wind up demonizing you for it (remember, no good deed goes unpunished), and it isn’t good for you.

Of course, there are those who cannot give back at an appropriate level, such as babies, severely disabled people, the homeless, etc. To those people, we should give and give generously without thought of reciprocation. But they should be taught to give back at whatever level they can. After about 2 years old, even young children can be taught to give something back.

While doormats have their uses, people aren’t supposed to act like one. It is vital that you set reasonable boundaries in your friendships. Far from being “unspiritual,” it is one of the most Spiritual things you can do.

Did you enjoy this article? Would you like to see more like it? Visit John and Nicole Heckers on our other blogs, Loving Spirituality (www.lovingspirituality.com) and Asae Advice (www.asaeadvice.com)

We also do everything possible to encourage all people to further their careers and all employers to honor all people for their work and qualifications rather than discriminating based on other factors.

We support any programs that increase diversity in the workplace, reduce workplace discrimination and violence, and increase mutual understanding of co-workers in the workplace.

As, at this time, the worst discrimination is being faced by LGBTQ persons, we strongly urge the passage of the Employment Non-Discrimination Act which would make such discrimination due to sexual orientation illegal. We also urge the immediate passage of state and municipal laws that protect ALL people from workplace discrimination, bigotry, and harassment.

Thank you.

Company loyalty is dead.   Exemplary employees used to be deeply committed “lifers” who were industry specialized and stayed put through thick and thin.   While there are still plenty of loyal employees who are married to organizations until death, or retirement, do them part, there is a new breed of professionals that neither expects nor desires to settle down with one employer for the long-haul.   This trend is being driven by millennials, the generation that ranges from recent college graduates to workers who are under 35, and for these professionals, tackling a successful project and then moving on seems to be a more sensible option than languishing away in a single organization or industry for their entire career.  Besides, this group of trendsetting employees has noticed that the economy can no longer bear to offer traditional long-term employment contracts, or in many cases, provide stable, full-time employment at all. 

In the new job market, serial job changing is the norm.   The average Millennial will have three different careers, change organizations every 18 months, and will have more than eight jobs by the time they are 32.  This could be the beginning of a big shift in how organizations attract talent and Millennials could be a generation of professionals who are largely employed to work on a contract or project basis; they will be asked to be loyal to the project, not the company.

It’s not a novel concept to rely on an army of highly-qualified contract workers.   In some industries, such as technology, contract work is a labor-pool mainstay.  This model could be of great benefit to a wider array of industries and professions.  Think about it.  It’s a useful adaptation to be ABLE to change jobs and even careers to meet the needs of an ever changing economy.   Millennials are demonstrating this value by being a more flexible workforce than our parents’ generation.  They are able to do more with less, reinvent themselves and quickly add value to teams.   Additionally, armed with degrees and a wealth of experience, these employees are some of the most skilled, effective and ambitious candidates on the market.  The come, they conquer, and they move on.

However, in the familiar landscape of layoffs, unemployment, and underemployment, there seems to be little tolerance for the consequences of the rapidly evolving job market.  One major impact, and indeed a sign of changing times, is an increasingly mobile workforce, with patchwork resumes that tell the story of a host of false-starts, learning experiences, layoffs and capitalized opportunities.  Yet, hiring managers have a tendency to label these qualified frequent job changers as flaky, disloyal or ineffective.   While these negative attributes may have been the case in the past, for Millenials change, in life and work, is the cultural imperative.

How do you know if you are a part of the “professional contractor” trend?  Does your resume look like a hopscotch board?  Do you stumble when it comes to the questions about why you job hopped (I came, I conquered, and I moved on is not a great reply)?  Do you have a difficult time selling yourself and making sense of your unique story?  If you answered yes to the questions above then you are likely a part of this trendsetting group.   Again, I think that frequent job changing is the new reality.  It’s a trend that is here to stay.   However, many HR professionals and hiring managers tend to screen out job-hopper, regardless of their tremendous skills. This is a potential barrier when it comes to job hunting if you’re not adept at selling yourself effectively.

The job-hopper stigma needs to be disbanded for professionals who are ambitious, but mobile.  In part II of this article I will discuss how to overcome job-hopper objections.

1). Assuming you’re a good interviewee. You’re not. And why should you be? You don’t interview for a living. You do your job.

But the people we see tank on our toughest interview training module, “The Murder Board,” tank because they’re conceited and cocky. They think they’ll do great. They think that the “get it.” They don’t. So, this is why we call it a “Murder Board,” not an “Assault Board.” They get killed by the Killer Questions.

2). Not preparing for the interview. Frankly speaking: If you go up against a Heckers Development Group,LTD client or the client of another top career coach — all other things being equal — you’ll lose out. Why? Transition coaches teach people to avoid putting their big feet in their big mouths at interviews, and to avoid most other mistakes. If you don’t have a transition coach/interviewing coach yet, get one now. Be prepared to interview at your best.

3). Talking too much. More people talk themselves out of jobs than talk themselves into jobs. Shut up! If you’re an extrovert, this means cutting the bovine effluvium that you’re dishing out by 50% – 75%. The latter figure is for sales people. You can’t convince someone to hire you. The more you say, the better the chance that you’ll say something stupid. Don’t.

4). Talking too little. Then there are the introverts among us. Grunting an answer is not the way to go, either. Answer the question! Open your mouth and put it on external speaker. No, they can’t read your mind and no, they don’t just know that you’re a wonderful person.

5). Being evasive. Answer the question. Don’t sound like a stupid politician. You know how they sound, don’t you? No matter what question is asked them, they revert to their talking points. They never truly answer a question honestly. Now, politicians are crooks, generally speaking. But you’re not. So answer the questions!

6). Waxing philosophical. If you’re asked to give an example, give an example. Don’t wax philosophical about your beliefs. This just turns employers off.

7). Making a strength into a weakness. There are ways to answer the weakness question that don’t have you B.S.ing by making a strength into a weakness. I’ve got news for you. Employers are on to that garbage, and will mark you down dramatically for using it. We go into this extensively in our book Interview to Get That Job. As this is a very complicated technique, there is not space here to lay it out. But don’t get caught making a strength into a weakness.

8). Exaggerating your credentials. Don’t.

9). Getting overly familiar with the interviewer. One employer I know called me laughing uproariously after an interview she had. The interviewee had asked her out! He didn’t get the job, but did get her…they were married about 2 years later. But usually these things end in absolute disaster. Remember why you’re there and save any friendships or more intimate relationships until after you find out if you got employed. Then, proceed with caution.

10). Blowing the phone interview. The phone interview can be your most important interview. If you blow it there, you won’t go any further. An H.R. Director who is a friend of mine (yes, some of them still speak to me) called laughing her behind off right after a phone screen. The candidate was doing pretty well until the end. Then she heard some grunts and pops, followed by the flushing of a toilet! He didn’t get the job, as this showed very poor judgment. Remember that a phone interview is an interview. Handle it accordingly!

By Nicole Raphael, MA

We’ve all admired certain traits of our colleagues, contacts and supervisors.  Many of them have acted as silent role models for success behavior.  We emulate them in the hopes that our acting will one day turn into a genuine grasp of the leadership qualities that they possess.  If we are clever, then we also strategically seek out deeper relationships with our role models and maybe even formalize those relationships into a coaching or mentoring arrangement.

If you are an entry to mid-level professional and have stalled in your career progression or you’re at a place in your career where you need to broaden your network in order to get ahead, it could be time to actively seek a mentor to help you map out a plan for career development.

Most successful people have had a powerful mentor at one point of their career or another.  These mentorship arrangements are often career defining relationships that span years or even decades.  Mentorship is an age-old institution.  The defining leaders in our country passed through this old-boys network of systematic talent development and guidance, and I’m suggesting that young professionals should take notice of this tried and true strategy for career advancement.

Mentorship has traditionally consisted of offering sound advice, acting as a soundboard, providing introductions into the right network, and putting in a good word here and there.  This system works the best when there is a strong mentor, protégée relationship. That is to say that you may not receive all the benefits of being in a mentoring relationship from day one as trust, and most especially, entry into the mentor’s network is earned over time.  However, in order to reach our greatest potential as professionals, we often need the hand up from a powerful benefactor who has taken an interest in our career.

Due to the increase in peer competition, it is of critical importance for entry to mid-level professionals to find a mentor. When you’re on the first rungs of your career ladder, the journey to the top can seem very daunting.  We soon learn that our ultimate success in organizations is not based upon merit alone.  In business, it pays to have friends in high places.

The problem for young professionals is that these powerful benefactors often seem to sit in ivory towers at the top of organizations, so we often don’t have access to their wealth of knowledge and useful guidance.  This is especially the case for large organizations.  Furthermore, often-times we don’t really know the rules of the game of business.  Business is a game after all, and to be successful and advance to the Executive ranks, you have to play well.

Unlike chess where the best man wins, business is more like the children’s board game Chutes and Ladders.  In other words, your success in business can seem to be determined by pure luck and chance.   Many of us have experienced the feeling that career advancement opportunities are often a crap shoot.  We often take a few steps forward only to land on something that we’re ill prepared to handle and thus, we’re carried back down, licking our wounds and learning our lessons.   Mistakes in business are valuable teaching tools; however, the upshot is that without a knowledgeable and well-connected guide, the road to success can be difficult.  The good news is that there are some things that aspiring Executives can do to stack the odds in their favor.

When it comes to rising to the top of organizations and ensuring rapid professional development, you must develop relationships with powerful people who can help catapult your career.   The inter-personal relationships that we forge and learn from are called developmental relationships and they can be both formal and informal.

Learning from our co-workers is a good example of informal developmental relationships. Our bosses and colleagues, both past and present are invaluable resources that we should tap in order to learn about the pitfalls of business.  Even when we’ve had bad experiences at work, we can admit that they’ve taught us something useful about what to do, or what NOT to do.

For a more formal developmental arrangement, a mentor is a person who has taken interest in your career and is willing to guide you to reach your full potential.  They are usually someone you have admired and known for some time such as a former, upwardly-mobile boss who can give you valuable feedback about your performance and areas of improvement.  However, most important is that they are well-connected, successful and knowledgeable about business.  A mentor will impart their wisdom on you, which should help you avoid costly mistakes in your career.  They also act as a sounding board for ideas and a confidant who you can trust with not only the problems that you’re encountering in your career, but also managing the ever increasing responsibility that comes with success.  A good mentor is a guide, teacher, coach and counsellor.

Not all developmental relationships created equal.  A mentor will usually support both your career and social/psychological development.  However, you can still use your network of colleagues, peers, etc. to help guide you in some ways that are less intensive than a traditional mentoring relationship.  There is also the popular belief that there should be different mentors for different stages of your career.  For instance, former Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice was mentored by International Relations Expert, Josef Korbel as a student at the University of Denver and was later taken into the fold of the National Security Council by Brent Scowcroft who remained her mentor for many years during her career.

In today’s competitive workplace, you can’t afford to run the risk of building your career by yourself.  It will take a lot longer to reach your ultimate career goals; or even worse, your progression could be stalled due to not having access to the necessary gatekeepers into the executive suite.   Working with a mentor can help you to navigate the game of business.

There are many ways to find a mentor.  As I mentioned, you can look at your current network.   Cast a wide net.  Your mentor could be someone outside your organization as well such as a local business owner or vendor that you’ve worked with.  There are also executive coaching services that offer talent mentorship programs.  Working with a mentor that you hire has several benefits.  If they have the right business background, then they will be able to connect you to top Executives, thus reducing ivory tower barriers.  Additionally, a mentor with a coaching or consulting background may be better prepared to help you map out your career path.

Nicole Raphael, MA, is a career coach with Heckers Development Group, LTD. She can be contacted at nraphael@heckersdev.com. Ms. Raphael works with people at all levels of employment to help them in transition, write resumes, learn business etiquette, and become star employees. To find out more about our mentoring programs, please call 303.480.5484 for a free appointment (face-to-face or by phone/Skype) or go to http://heckersdev.com. 

Here are a couple of “whys” on avoiding the elevator speech when job hunting.

1). They’re boring. Following Julie’s tips help some, but, I’ve got to tell you, my eyes glaze over with the elevator speeches of most people. At a standard networking event, I’ll hear upwards of 100 elevator speeches that all sound pretty similar.

2). They don’t stand out. At about number 10 elevator speech for the evening, I can’t remember who wants what or what anyone does, and I’ve got a pretty good memory. Yes, I jot things down on the back of business cards. Yes, I follow up. But, realistically, you’ve just wasted your breath on telling people about yourself in elevator speech format.

3). They tell too much information. No matter how many times Julie or I tell you to keep it short, if you’re job hunting you’re going to go into your whole career history. I will fall asleep at about your third big old hairy accomplishment, and I don’t have narcolepsy. On nights where I have insomnia, I just have to think about elevator speeches and I’m out like a light.

An elevator speech should have:

a). Your name, stated slowly and distinctly.

b). Your last position with title and company. (DON’T tell me you were a “senior technical executive, or the like. What does THAT mean?)

c). ONE and only one major duty or accomplishment.

d). The one or two things (no more) that you’re looking for. And please don’t say stupid things like “I’m industry agnostic” or the like. Be specific as to what you want.

4). An elevator speech gives people a chance, then and there, to screen you out or brush you off. Do you really want your networking to be over before it starts?

Here’s a trick to keep you from having to give your elevator speech very often.

1). Go up to someone and speak first. Don’t wait for people to come to you.

2). Introduce yourself with your name and ask, “So what brings you to the Jeffery Dahlmer Memorial BBQ this evening?” Listen to the answer.

3). If they’re a vendor and you have no need for what they’re selling, be polite, but move on as rapidly as possible. Sometimes vendors can have good leads, but not often, especially if they’re just out there networking for the first few times. Older vendors, however, may well know a person or three. But vendors are not your best bet. And I’ve never had anyone helped by an insurance salesperson (except to obtain insurance) or a financial planner (except to financially plan).

4). Offer help. Jot essential information on the back of the person’s business card (ask for one if you don’t have one at this point) and say, “I think I might have an idea or two to help you. Could we grab some coffee this week?” Few people will say no. Thank the person and move on. See? No elevator speech on your part.

Why coffee? Well, you cannot build on trust you don’t have. And networking events are quite noisy. Get the person to a place where you can exchange real information, and you’ll probably get leads.

What kind of help can you give? Plenty. But it doesn’t necessarily have to be leads. You can let people know about a networking event that is great. You can offer them advice. You can connect them to a couple of your very helpful networking contacts. And, of course, after you’ve heard more about the person, you might know of a job lead or two.

You will still need an elevator speech that is well-honed, very short and to the point. Attention spans are shrinking, so keep it as short as possible. You’ll sometimes be in situations where everyone goes around and gives an elevator speech. But avoid doing so as much as possible. They’re outdated and not terribly useful most of the time.

Next time we’ll review what you should do at a coffee meeting to actually get somewhere.

Networks are made up of people and, therefore, are fragile. They must be carefully managed. Too many people, however, “burn” their networks through one of these major networking mistakes.

1). Failure to return a favor. One young man who was in my network was trying to get into professional sports. I pulled a few strings and got him in contact with some of the top people in professional sports in Denver. It took me several hours and the calling in of several favors to do so.

Then, a couple of months later, I asked him a very small favor — to make a comment on a LinkedIn post I’d made. I simply asked him to state that he’d found me and my articles helpful. He refused for a truly absurd reason.

Needless to say, he can completely forget asking me for a favor in the future. While I would not “burn” him or say nasty things about him, I certainly won’t go out of my way to help him, either.

Rule: If someone in your network asks you to do a favor for them, do so if it is in your power to do so. If this person has helped you in the past, you are not only incredibly rude, but very foolish not to return the favor. You can become known as someone who knows the rules of networking, or as a complete jerk.

2). Stiffing someone in your network. Economic times are tough and things like defaults and even bankruptcies are common. But not paying the bill of someone in your network is incredibly foolish. You will rapidly gain the reputation of a deadbeat and others will not do business with you. Once you “stiff” someone your expectation of any confidentiality is out the window. If you must bankrupt, people will understand. But, after you are back on your feet, at the very least take care of those in your network to whom you owed money. Doing so will preserve and even extend your reputation for integrity.

3). Badmouthing an influential person in your network. People have large networks because they are generally either well-liked or well-respected. There are two, equally dangerous possibilities here.

a). You are also well connected and bad-mouth the well-connected person. This is like the old Soviet Union and America firing nuclear missiles at one another. It is Mutually Assured Destruction.

b). You are not all that well-connected. If you are not well connected and bad-mouth someone who is well connected, it is your funeral. Who is going to be believed? You, who have, maybe a few hundred connections in your network, or the person who is known and respected all over town? It just makes you look like a jerk and can destroy your chances of advancement in a community.

Either way, if you’re going to say something that isn’t nice about someone in your network, you’d better have photographs and negatives or a great deal of evidence. Otherwise, keep your big mouth shut and say nice platitudes.

4). Spreading rumors. People only like a gossip while they are listening to the gossip the gossip brings. But a gossip is never trusted. Any sensible person knows that they could be next on the chopping block. If you have had a bad experience with a business or individual personally, you may certainly state that clearly and unemotionally. But if you have not had personal experience, don’t spread it around. It just makes you look bad.

5). Posting negative information about a person or business on the internet. The difference between love and the internet is that the internet is forever. It is likely that you don’t have the technical skill to remain anonymous, even if you post anonymously. People, also, are not as good at hiding tell-tale styles as what they may think.

Besides this, it is completely cowardly to post a negative review of a business or person on the web anonymously. If you have something to say about a business or person, be a person of integrity and put your name to it.

Conversely, if you see anonymous negative reviews of people or businesses, ignore them. It could be competitors, a customer who was unreasonably demanding, or someone just trying to make trouble. Anonymous complaint postings are the scourge of the internet and should be prohibited.

6). Not following through. If you say you’ll do something, then do it or negotiate your way around it. Don’t just blow people off.

7). Burning bridges. If you have to exit a relationship, a job or a situation, do so with class. While a select few people may need to know all of the details, these people should be few and far between. A simple statement that you both needed to move on is usually sufficient. Even when negative information needs to be conveyed, convey it gently and with the best possible spin. Don’t ever burn a bridge.

8). Being a troll. Today’s political atmosphere is very charged. If your blood boils when reading a post or opinion, the temptation is to call names and rant and rave. Don’t. Logical, civil and well-thought-out responses are usually welcomed by most publications. But a rant is never in order.

Remember, just because someone disagrees with you doesn’t make that person evil…or even wrong. Regardless of how firm you are in your opinion, you have not had divine revelation or the gift of absolute knowledge. Hold opinions. But hold them lightly and with a sense of humor about them.

9). Assuming everyone holds your political or religious prejudices. I had a woman come into my office the other day who, within about 5 minutes, began demonizing a political view I happen to believe in. Many people have the mistaken belief that, just because they hold an opinion, everyone should and does hold the same opinion. This is often not the case. By spouting your religious, political or moral views, you can anger your network. I’m not saying that you can’t be yourself and make clear your positions. But don’t demonize a position that you don’t hold. Again, no one likes a Troll except other Trolls. Besides, Trolls live under bridges which is no fun at all.

10). Making it all about you. Your network should be a mutual aid society, not a group of people that you just tap at will to do your bidding.

11). Making unreasonable requests of your network. Asking your network to help you move your house is probably not reasonable. Ask a couple of friends or hire movers. Asking everyone in your network to endorse you on LinkedIn when some haven’t seen your work is unreasonable. And so on. Utilize your network, but utilize it for reasonable things and a reasonable amount of time.

12). SPAMming your network. While it is fine to let your network know what you’re doing business-wise every once in a while, a weekly or even monthly SPAM trying to sell something is a real no-no. Generally speaking, I don’t try to sell anything to my network unless they ask for my help. I let them know about events and keep them up to date quarterly on my business, but I don’t overtly sell things to them. This is a good way to have people drop out of your network.

13). Using your network for MLM or other shady ventures. I immediately disconnect from anyone who tries to get me involved in Multi-Level-Marketing like Amway or the like. I believe that MLM turns everyone into nothing more than a prospect to make money off of. I’ve seen families wrecked by these folks, as well as many friendships. The almost religious zeal of MLMers completely turns me off.

14). Sharing too much information with your network. I really don’t get the need that Millennial Generation people (and some Gen Xers) have to update their Facebook page with absurd information. “Going to the bathroom now. Should be a great relief.” One guy on Facebook who is connected to my wife went into great detail about his infant daughter’s bathroom exploits. Really. No one needs to know everything. For some, especially younger, people, the event or life experience is worthless unless they can immediately post it. Don’t bug your network this way. It is a network, not an intimate group of friends. Keep things that should be private in private.

Your network is one of your greatest assets in life. Don’t burn it and use it well. It will stand you in good stead for the rest of your business career.

The good news is that we’re all in this together.  There are fewer people than ever before who have what anyone would call a conventional career path.   The average worker changes jobs every two to three years and the typical person will also have several careers in different industries during their working life.  Meanwhile, Labor Department figures suggest that Millennial are accelerating this trend and will hold an average of 10 jobs before they turn 38.

If you’ve had a meandering career path, then the tips below will help you to tackle résumé-writing challenges.

1)    Remove jargon from your résumé

All industry specific jargon should be replaced with universally understood terminology.  A friend of mine is a Mary Kay money magnet.  She has been very successful with her sales and recently acquired “Sapphire Star Status”.  Although it’s a fantastic accomplishment, she would be better served to quantify the exact amount or percentage to goal that she sold on her résumé.

2)    Quantify your accomplishments

You can create a bridge from one industry to the next by quantifying your accomplishments. It’s not impactful enough to say that you increase sales in 2011.  Be more specific. Say instead that you “exceed sales targets by 32% in the second quarter of 2011.”  To be sure, I’m not advocating that you lie or exaggerate results. You should be keeping track of your performance.  Start right now if you haven’t.  Figures really make a résumé pop.

3)    Choose the right format

Standard chronological résumés are great tools for people with traditional career paths, but as I’ve mentioned, a non-traditional path is becoming more commonplace.   Chronological résumés list employment prominently with bullet points describing key duties under each role.  I’m going to suggest that there is a better résumé layout for an unconventional career path.

Our résumés are very effective at highlighting a candidate’s accomplishment first and foremost, rather than directing the focus to a job title or organization.  The beauty of this type of résumé is that it allows people to highlight achievements that are germane to the role that they’re applying for or industry that they’re interested in. This is a particularly useful approach when you’ve had a “tapestry” career that comprises of several disparate roles as you can customize the language of the bullet points to fit the position you’re applying for.

4)    Specify

I can’t say this enough.  When you’re writing your résumé it’s not the time to be bashful or modest.  Have you heard the saying that the squeaky wheel gets the grease?  This adage suggests that you need to make some noise about your skills and why someone should employ you. So, toot your own horn – if it’s true.  Make your résumé so complementary that you’d want to hire yourself.   Also, try your hand at story telling.  The best story always wins.  If you’re relaying how you lead a successful project then paint a clear and compelling story about why your efforts were exemplary.  Tug on a few heart or head strings so that the hiring manager will want to have you on their team.

5)    Keep it Relevant.  

For the employment section of your résumé, the heading should read “Relevant Work Experience.”  As such, you don’t have to list every job you’ve had if they are not relevant. This is especially the case if the roles are running consecutively.   Generally, my advice for people who fit the experienced non-manager category and beyond is to NOT list college employment or internships. Presumably, you’ve had much more responsible positions since then, so I’d start with your professional work experience after college.

6)    Only include degrees & certifications in the education section of your résumé

Many people with portfolio careers have a wealth of education.  I don’t really know why this is, but perhaps it has something to do with our varied interest and courage to pursue our passions.  While higher education is great, in an economic down turn excessive education experiences outside of the requirements for the position may make us look expensive.  My advice is to take off the semesters abroad and masters levels classes that didn’t result in a certification or degree. You don’t want employers to think that the job can’t afford your student loans.

In our practice, we advise our clients that your résumé isn’t chiefly important in your job search.  Instead, we advocate a networking approach to landing your next career opportunity.  That being said, you need to have a really good résumé in this competitive environment to get past HR gate keepers and to endear yourself to Hiring Authorities. That is doubly true if you have a non-linear job history. Get help if you need it.  Your résumé is the first thing that many HR Professionals and Hiring Authorities will see.  It’s like you’re front lawn.  It will be hard to sell the house if it doesn’t have curb appeal.

1). Go for substance over appearance. Sky Ridge is an absolutely beautiful facility. It looks more like a tony mall than a hospital. But appearances can be deceiving. A hospital with less flash and more competence would have been more to my liking. When you’re sitting in the E.R., you’re not concerned about the hospital’s interior decorator. You’re concerned about the competence of the doctors and nurses.

Businesses spend a great deal of money on their “branding” and “image.” While some of this is necessary, businesses should spend much more time on finding and hiring the best people for their teams. A great branding campaign will be useless if there is not also great delivery of services.

2). Don’t forget the little things. It took me hours to get a requested pillow. Blankets were also difficult to come by. And some water? Fugetaboutit! And, no, the E.R. was not busy the day I was there.

Customers judge a business on the little conveniences and courtesies that let them know they’re appreciated. Don’t make a customer beg for a “pillow” at your business.

3). Remember your mission. The mission of Sky Ridge should have been the health and safety of their patients. It wasn’t. A fairly large puddle of my blood remained on the floor for over 4 hours. Hospital personnel walked through it, and it was quite obvious. Fortunately, I don’t have any infectious diseases. But if I had, their incompetence would have tracked that disease to every patient in the Emergency Room, and, possibly spread it to the larger hospital population. Not cleaning up blood on the floor endangers the lives of everyone in an E.R.

What is your business doing that is neglecting a part of your mission? How are you endangering the loyalty, livelihoods or even lives of your customers? Don’t just walk through your “puddle of blood.” Clean it up!

4). Take care of the most important customer needs first. I’m a Type I childhood diabetic. During the 6 hours I was in the E.R., they only checked my blood sugar once, thus seriously endangering my life. Although they were reminded to do so several times, I’d hear, “OK. I’ll be right back to do that,” then never see the person again. Fortunately, I had my own insulin, blood sugar monitor and glucose tablets with me. If I hadn’t, I wouldn’t be writing this article.

If you’re neglecting a vital part of your customers’ needs, they won’t be customers for very long. While they might not die, as I might have, they will certainly be dead to your business as they seek other, more attentive businesses.

5). Don’t let a temp do a mission-critical task. I found out that the nurse who was supposedly taking care of me was a rent-a-nurse. In fact, most of the E.R. was staffed by temporary personnel (more on that below.) She didn’t know the equipment or the hospital. This greatly delayed my medical care as she would frequently have to go get the one regular employee nurse and ask for help.

Temps might be quite competent at their professions. This nurse knew nursing. But they don’t know your “shop,” and can make mistakes that can cause customers to be dissatisfied. Make sure that anything mission-critical is handled by someone who is loyal to you and your business, not a temporary employee.

6). Adequate staffing is essential. For this large, suburban E.R., there were two nurses and one doctor (with another doctor there for part of the time). This was gross under-staffing.

Like many for-profit hospitals, Sky Ridge puts profits above their patients and the care of their patients. Profits are important, but keep your eye on the ball. The most important factor for business success is the satisfaction of your customers. Having dissatisfied customers will result in the closure of your business, regardless of short-term profits.

7). Communication is vital. In addition to under-staffing, the staff at Sky Ridge E.R. did not communicate well with one another. There were several professionals there, but there was no team whatsoever. Everyone was doing his or her own thing. Your staff must truly be a team and work together as one. This means continuous and effective communication.

One of the employees of the Sky Ridge E.R. told me that no one had conveyed to him vital medical information on me…and this was five hours into my stay. This is pure incompetence. Make sure that your business does not pull a “Sky Ridge.”

8). Be careful what you delegate. As I indicated, I’m a Type I Insulin Dependent Diabetic. I also had a serious medical issue that brought me to the E.R. However, I saw a doctor for about 1.3 minutes. Then my case was delegated to a Physician’s Assistant. I didn’t even see the P.A. very often…perhaps a total of 5 minutes. This was entirely inappropriate and was probably malpractice on the part of the doc.

Delegation is often appropriate. But the buck stops with you. You, as the business owner, are ultimately responsible for everything that happens in your shop. Make sure that your values, policies and wishes are being carried out by those to whom you delegate. And remember that not everything is able to be delegated. Sometimes “the doctor” needs to be in charge and on the floor.

9). Train your people in courtesy. There was one nurses’ assistant who was condescending and incredibly rude. Keep in mind that even the lowest-level people you employ, even a custodian, are ambassadors for your business. Rudeness or condescension to a customer should be a terminating offense. Also keep in mind that your customers are not always going to be sweetness and light. Train your employees to be pleasant and helpful even if your customers are having a very bad day.

10). Respond correctly to complaints. The response I got to my complaints about Sky Ridge was far from adequate. The patient advocate did everything possible to absolve the hospital of its incompetence. If someone complains about your business to you, immediately ask how they’d like to see the problem corrected, then, if possible, do what they ask. Some customers can never be pleased no matter what you do. But most people are reasonable and will respond well to a good-faith attempt to correct the problem.

11). The most essential part of a business is the personal touch. It seems to be the goal of the medical industry to dehumanize and humiliate patients. Granted. But, as a diabetic, I have seen my share of Emergency Rooms over the years. Sky Ridge was the worst. It was clear that I was only a number (or a wallet) to Sky Ridge, not an individual with needs and wants. Don’t be like this incompetent hospital. Make sure your customers feel that you are personally invested in their success and satisfaction, and not just interested in their money. As the chains monopolize more and more American business, the company that wants to both survive and thrive will make personal service to their customers a priority.

12). Most importantly — listen to your customers. The worst part of my Sky Ridge experience was the numerous (failed) attempts to start an I.V. line. Although I was quite clear about the most effective way to start a line in me (I am a difficult “stick”), my clear instructions were ignored. Finally, on the ninth stick an experienced vampire listened to me. Of course, the I.V. line went in immediately.

Medical personnel are arrogant. They rarely listen to their patients, although their patients often know their bodies best. The egregious arrogance of some doctors “trickles down” to medical personnel in general. But I’ve also seen arrogance in lots of other businesses. Granted, you know your business better than your customer. But your customer knows his or her needs much better than you do. Listen to your customer and believe what they tell you their needs are.

Needless to say, the next time I need to visit an Emergency Room, it won’t be at Sky Ridge. Keep in mind that customers talk, and disgruntled customers say more than happy ones. While no business can be perfect, keep the number of mess-ups to the absolute minimum possible and correct those that do happen. You will retain your customers, get new ones, and have a great reputation if you do.

(Calls to Dr. Steven Heinz, who is in charge of the E.R. at Sky Ridge, seeking his side of the story, have not been returned.)

By Nicole Raphael, MA

Once upon a time it was believed that you could candidly share yourself, quirks and all, with your close friends and family on Facebook, Myspace, FourSquare, Flickr, YouTube etc. and still keep your professional reputation intact at work.  This was a fine strategy if your weekend activities included a few outdoor activities, charity work and going to church.  However, it may surprise some readers that many professionals lead a double life.  Visiting social media sites certainly proves this point.  It appears that many unassuming professionals are uber-achieving superstars in the office and party-hard rock stars during the weekend.   If you fall into the rock star category, or if you haven’t taken a close look at your online reputation, then the five tips below will help you clean up your act so that your online personal brand is the picture of perfection.

1.       There is NO privacy online

The days of online anonymity are over.  We all learned from Anthony Weiner that tweeting your peter can kill your career; but now, it’s not enough to be cautious with what you post on your personal social media platforms yourself, it’s also necessary to remain vigilant amongst “social” friends as well.   Take for example the High School teacher was suspended after someone posted a Facebook picture of her with a male stripper at a bridal shower. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YtBpJNpk5dQ&feature=relmfu  She was made guilty by association.  Make sure your friends and family are aware of your desire to remain discreet with what you post online. Remember: There is nowhere to hide on the internet.

2.       Ramp-up your security

Immediately set up “secure” passwords and permissions for your social sites.  Don’t make it easy for someone to cyber-stock you or invade your privacy.   The policies on social media sites are usually quite transparent and if you’re not comfortable with the level of your exposure or the uses of your data, then consider your options accordingly.   It’s important to note that the standard security settings for social sites are usually the least protective, so always try to customize the settings so that they give you the highest level of protection.  Platforms such as Facebook and have gotten progressively better at allowing you to protect your privacy from prying eyes – others will follow suit.  Read more about Facebook and privacy here.

3.       Get to know your online reputation

Have you ever Googled yourself? If not, do that now.  The most important information to note is what comes up on the first few pages in a search.  Not many people look for information beyond that.  Your online reputation is kicking butt if you appear on the first page of a Google Search at least three times.  Ignore the “All PR is good PR” adage.  You want favourable mentions to appear first and foremost.   We’ll discuss reputation damage management below.

In addition to running a Google search, pop your name into a few web-based tools that are popular with HR & hiring managers such as www.spokeo.com and www.zoominfo.com.  These paid-for services pull public records and demographic information.  For a more integrated approach, www.pipl.com is gaining popularity due to the fact that the tool considers public records, social media mentions and multimedia.

To check your personal impact on the social media world, I like to visit www.socialmention.com which judges search queries based on a variety of criteria including strength, sentiment, passion, and reach.

4.       Build your online brand

Crafting your online persona is a multi-faceted process and it differs in important ways from your in-person brand.  The three important factors in web-based personal branding are:  The way you act, the way and how often you talk, the way you present yourself.  You are actively building your brand whether you are blogging, Tweeting, updating your Facebook profile picture, or offering a comment in one of your LinkedIn groups.  The more authentic and engaging you are – the more you will attract people to your personal brand.   You also want to ensure that you’re found online because you don’t have a brand if you’re not Googleable.  One fast way to build your online reputation in your job search is to customize your LinkedIn domain so that you name appears in your URL.  For example my LinkedIn URL is: linkedin.com/in/nicoleraphael.   Go to Edit Profile.  Select Edit Public Profile.   Choose customize your public profile URL.  Input your first and last name so that your activity will come up on a Google search.

5.       Manage the Damage

Horror of horrors. In doing your Google search a picture of you at the last “Little Black Dress” party in something VERY little pops up on page one.  Or worse, a YouTube video of you bashing your employer in a *funny* but career devastating acoustic jingle went viral.    The last example actually happened.

Former Starbucks employee Chris Cristwell posted a spoof video online.   http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MUTrJW-0xtc  As a result Starbucks fired him, so he wrote a farewell song as well. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V2aquc9gYUE&feature=relmfu  I laughed out loud watching this.  But when the music stopped I thought about Chris’s online reputation.   He’s 25 now.   How long is this bit of fun going to haunt him and affect his prospects with future employers?

Social media mistakes happen every day.  The key to managing your online brand is to painstakingly monitor what is being communicated about yourself in cyberspace.  Set up a reverse search service such as Google Alerts and take quick and decisive action to eliminate untactful pictures, comment on any responses to blog postings, and remove multi-media that’s in bad taste.  You can also hire an online brand & reputation manager to build and monitor your brand.