Ten Incredibly Stupid Interview Questions (and How to Answer Them)

As the economy heats up, companies are going to be looking for people and that means interviewing.  Here is my take on the ten most idiotic interview questions I’ve heard over the years, with a smart-aleck answer and the real answer appended.

1).  Where would you like to be in (three) years. “Gee, I’d like to be in the Bahamas wealthy and not listening to your idiotic questions,” would be my preferred response.  This is a really stupid interview question because nobody knows what they’re going to be doing in three years, and companies can’t guarantee them any stability, anyway.  Just say some platitudinous thing like, “Moving up in the company and making a difference,” or the like.

2).  If you were an animal, what kind of animal would you be? “I’d be a Great White Shark so I could have you for dinner,” is probably not the response that will get you a job.  This is an idiotic question because it tells the interviewer absolutely nothing of value.  Say that you’d be a wolf because wolves are loyal, good team players, but can work alone.

3).  Name for me three weaknesses. “Chocolate, blondes and good Scotch,” wouldn’t be accepted.  This is an absurd question because no one in their right mind is going to open themselves to an interviewer with their actual weaknesses.  Answering this is more complex.  Give an answer that is an actual weakness, but has nothing to do with your job, or something that is very obvious from your background and history, and then show why it isn’t so bad after all.

4).  How would you react if you were transformed into a fish? “I’d say, ‘Holy Cow!  I just got transformed into a fish!’”  This question is so stupid, I can’t believe it was asked.  The smart-aleck remark is probably also the correct answer to this question.

5).  What is your passion? I’m not even going to give the obnoxious response to this one because it wouldn’t be published.  This is a dumb question because everyone is going to name something in the business world to do with helping employees reach their potential or some such effluvium of a bovine creature.

6).  What salary are you expecting? I’d say “One million dollars!”  while putting my pinkie to my mouth like Dr. Evil.  Ok, look.  You know what the person was making.  You know what you can pay.  Forget the cute games and simply ask, “We pay a range of $x.00 – $y.00.  Is this a livable wage for you?”  Don’t pretend you care what the person wants because we all know you don’t.  You can pay what you can pay, and that’s it.  Offer it if the person is qualified, and see where it goes.

7).  How does your spouse feel about this job? “Well, she hates what I do for a living but loves the money I bring in.”  What the heck do you think the person is going to say?  Don’t waste time with these sorts of questions!

8).  Do you feel you need a work/life balance? “Absolutely not.  I love being chained to my desk while all my friends are having a life.”  Interviewers: Be open and honest if the job requires long, thankless hours for inadequate pay.  You’ll find someone to take it, anyway.  Interviewees: If asked this question, reply, “Well, I’m willing to do what it takes to do the job but, yes, I occasionally enjoy seeing the rest of the world that exists outside the office.”

9).  What is your favorite food? “Gee, personally I prefer chilled monkey brains, how about you?”  This is stupid because it wastes everyone’s time and tells you nothing.  If asked this idiot question, reply with some food that everyone likes, neither too plebian nor too exotic, and make up some reason why you like it that somehow relates to business.

10).  If you could be anyone else for a week, who would you be and why? “Bond.  James Bond.  Because I like to shoot people, blow things up and sleep with numerous loose and sexy women, of course.”  This is a ridiculous question because people are going to always give a very safe answer.  If asked this dog of a question, reply with some universally respected business character.

There are many useful interview questions that can give you a feel for how well the candidate will actually do on the job.  Don’t waste your time and theirs asking stupid questions.  It doesn’t make the interview “fun,” put the candidate at ease or any of the other dumb-ass reasons I’ve heard for asking them..  It simply gives the interviewer a sense of power to humiliate and control the candidate.  This is not a good way to start a business relationship.

If you want to see more interview questions answered, you’re in luck.  June 25^th, we are publishing the most comprehensive interview book on the market, with over 1,000 interview questions and answers, and dozens of questions for you to ask the employer (and what you can’t ask).  The book will sell for $49.95, but we’ll have pre-orders available for a very limited time at $29.95 AND we’ll throw in my audio CD John Heckers Answers Ten Killer Interview Questions, a $10 value.

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